Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

Yes we all know this, and I am aware I'm not saying anything new. But Jesus on toast I hate it.
I have this phobia of leaving my apartment since I got fired-ish from this canvasing gig. I was being trained when they realized I was too damn crazy for the public to handle, and let me go early. Nice folks, but I felt-and still feel-this looming shame. I can hardly look anyone in the eye anymore.
Why does this make it hard for me to get outside? Because the kids that I kinda worked with for a few days traverse my neighborhood-along with all the other ones I frequent-and I don't want them to recognize me.
I am a very recognizable person. I have pink fucking hair.
Yeah I know the pink hair is my fault, yeah I know the worst that can happen is the awkward conversation and the quick escape. Hell, I even know how it goes.

Canvasing Kid- Hey, tikkul, how's it going?

Me- Good, you know. Just living. You?

CK- Same, working, you know. Sorry Canvasing didn't work out for you.

Me- That's cool. Nah, don't worry about it. It's just a job, there are plenty of others.

CK- Right, yeah. How is the job hunt going, by the way?

Me- It's a recession, so not the best, but I'm trying.

CK-Cool, cool. Well, hey, I gotta go, my lunch break is over. Gotta get those sign ups.

Me- Right, I know how it is. Later.

Seems average, right? Notice how I say 'It's just a job'. A reasonable line, and a complete fucking lie.
It wasn't just a job to me. I was really into the cause, I was willing to commit myself really heavily to this charity work, I felt like I had finally found my calling. I felt like I finally fit in somewhere.
Of course, that was stupid of me. I do lots of stupid things. If I showed you a picture of my intestines you would say "GOOD GOD MAN, WHAT DID YOU DO???", and I would simply chalk it up to another stupid thing that I did.
But really, could you blame me? We all want to fit in.
That's why were here on NG, or reddit, 4chan, tumblr. We all just want to fit in somewhere. It was stupid, but when I thought that just for one second I hand finally, FINALLY found a place to feel safe in, I put all my eggs in one basket, hung my hat on the rack, left my cake in the oven, and fell asleep into this haze of complete bullshit.
I'm a fucking failure. Not because I lost my job. People loose their jobs every day. No, I failed to recognize that there is no such thing as a 'safe place', and people like me will never fit in. I failed, because I was stupid enough to still believe in acceptance.

I'm still looking for work, but I am starting to give up hope. I'm considering applying for disability, since I have such a crippling depression that it keeps me bedridden at times. Not sure if the government recognizes that sort of thing yet, but I can try.